Me: According to the contract you signed, I am still owed 2% of the merchandise you sold.
Client: It didn’t add up to much.
Me: How much?
Client: Not much.
Me: I still want it.
Client: We don’t think it’s worth writing the check.
Me: Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?
Client: So the reason you stopped updating the website is because I didn’t pay you your three months of outstanding maintenance invoices?
Me: I could have also suspended your account, but I kept it running out of courtesy for your business.
Client: But there’s been no work done to the…
Client: Can you send me this logo with no background?
Me: Okay.
Client: You sent me a PNG. Why?
Me: PNGs are transparent.
Client: Then what is this gray and white checkered background? I said no background.
Me: That means it is transparent. It wont show up.
Client: But I can see it….
Client: We need you to put a watermark on all of our photos for the website so that no one can steal them.
Me: Okay. I’ll need the original photos in a digital format so I can start placing the watermark on them before I upload them onto the new site.
Client: No, no. Just get online and take…
A client sent an (exceptionally) rude Word Doc outlining the ‘psychic’ website she wanted to start, with comments like “I know you’ll have trouble understanding this,” “don’t question me, I know it’s going to work,” and best of all, “I know you have nothing going on in your life - see this as an opportunity to finally do something useful.”
After I sent her my quote…
Client: That was a lot more than I was expecting to pay.
Me: I thought you were psychic.
Client: I’ve tried logging in with the username and password you sent me yesterday. It’s not working and frankly I don’t have time to mess around with passwords.
Me: Send me your username and password and I’ll try it from our end.
Client: Sure my username is Susan1456 and my password is…
Me: So your username is your employee number, without the “e” and with an extra zero on the end.
Client: Is that a capital zero? Or just the little one?
Me: Just the number, zero.
Client: So upper case?
Client: All our sites are down!
Me: Seems fine here.
Client: We pay you to maintain this stuff, not cause more problems!
Me: I didn’t take your sites down. How do you know it’s my fault?
Client: It can’t be our fault! Our internet doesn’t even seem to be working!
Client: We won’t be paying. We didn’t use your material.
Me: You didn’t? I saw the brochure today, it is exactly what I designed for you.
Client: No, it isn’t. You sent us a PDF of the document. We did not print the PDF, we took a screen capture of it and pasted it into Word. That’s what we…
I was doing publicity for a client.
Me: A reporter from Detroit News wants to interview you tomorrow. What time are you available?
Client: 10am. What station will it be on?
Me: It won’t be on a station - Detroit News is a newspaper.
Client: Okay.
Me: So you’re all set for 10am.
…
